Please forgive me . . .

You all know that I committed at the beginning of this venture to be square and honest about this journey; which means talking about the bad along with the good.  I try to keep it upbeat as best I can.  This is not one of those posts.

I have been feeling "off" the last couple of months.  I've been sleeping more during the day, and have become a bit of a space cadet.  My sugar levels have been doing weird things as well.  Simply put, my glucose levels are bouncing up and down faster than the Dow Jones Index!

Not to be defeated, I took myself off to the Doctor's office today.  I was well armed with all of my meter readings and my food journal and anything else that I could think of.  (Have I mentioned I LOVE research and reports?  Yes, I realize that is a sick thing, but what are you going to do?)

First things first - the scale.  Somehow, between Sunday and today (2 Days) I gained 6 pounds!!  But wait, it gets weirder!  With all the ups and downs in my glucose, my doctor did an A1C check. (The A1C is a blood test that gives your average blood glucose for the last three months.  The higher the number the worse your glucose levels are.  Since I began this journey I have reduced by A1C from 7.6 to 5.6.)  My A1C today was 5.4!  Which told us that I was doing a better job of maintaining my blood sugar than I was three months ago!

I couldn't take it any more, I burst into tears.  Yes, I know it was a positive thing, but I was so confused I couldn't make sense of anything!

We did a blood test and my doctor is reviewing the information that I brought to her.  She kept telling me not to be discouraged, but I was so frustrated I had no idea what to do.

I reminded her that I was going back to school to be a Dietitian.  My Doctor said that she remembered and she is really happy for me.  My response?  "No one is going to listen to a fat Dietitian!"  (I think she wanted to laugh at that point.  She didn't, bless her heart!)

I have calmed down a bit and am now cozied up in my little corner surrounded by my Diabetes books.  While we wait for the blood work, I am going into research mode!

I am discouraged, I'll admit it.  Living with Diabetes can be frustrating.  Trying to lose weight, maintaining good blood sugar levels on top of that seems impossible sometimes.

Nothing is impossible!  It just means that I have to remind my body who is in charge here!  I am in charge and I will figure this out!  I just have to remember to not panic and get easily frustrated.

This is the type of day that makes me glad I have a wonderful support system! 

What is going on?

Sometimes I feel like heaven's little entertainment center.  No, seriously.  I think all those folks up in heaven, get bored and say: "Hey!  Things are slow, let's throw something weird at Katie and see what she does with it!"

Don't you ever feel like that?  There you are going along living your life and BAM! along comes something so weird you don't even know what to think, much less do about it.

I've been feeling 'off' lately.  I'm still eating properly, and doing everything else I'm supposed to do.  My weight loss has significantly slowed down and my blood sugar is bouncing around like a super ball.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my doctor so hopefully, she can provide me with some sort of answer.

It is sooooo not fair that things go wonky when I have actually been a good and dutiful Person with Diabetes. 

It's a good thing I have a good sense of humor.  If I didn't I might start taking "someone's" name in vain!

Torture

The true meaning of torture:  Making it through the holidays while maintaining or (hopefully) losing weight.

Seriously, has anyone ever really  been able to resist their old family favorites?  Let's face it, the rest of the world is not going to stop making the wonderful goodies of the holiday's just because you aren't able to indulge.  (I realize that we all think we are the center of the universe, unfortunately that is not true!)

Come on, who needs water-boarding when you can just waive amazing Christmas cookies under someones nose and then set the plate in front of them!

Why am I on this bizarre little rant?  Today is Sunday.  If it's Sunday, it must be weigh in day!  I actually think I did pretty well.  I am a 1/2 lb. down.  Not fabulous; but not horrible either.  Let's face it, if it were any other time of year, I'd be having a little "Beat on Katie" party.  But, as it is the weekend after Thanksgiving, I am going to give myself points for not gaining 5 lbs on Thursday alone!

So, how do we do it?  Is it even possible to maintain or lose from the fourth Thursday of November to January 2nd?  Yeah, I know, all the weight loss sites are extolling the virtues of staying on their plans through the holidays.

There are all those little tips and tricks that everyone says will help.  I even read a article on CNN this morning on 'healthy mall food' (isn't that a crock!)

I made it through the first one okay.  Perhaps what I will have to do is picture Myron and Couch Potato behind every plate of cookies and dish of pretty candy.

Will power.  That is the only thing that is going to work, sheer willpower.  Do I have enough?  Does anyone?

We are about to find out!  Bring on the holidays!

Perspective, it's all in how you look at things

Yesterday was a good day!  Family all around, lots of laughter and fun.  The food was amazing, if I do say so myself, and there was plenty for all.

I find myself amused at some of my family members.  Around noon, when the family from up north joined us, on of my favorite people asked.  "Are you guys still on your strict diet?"  I chose not to answer, but hubby jumped in with a quick, "For the most part."

Part of me wanted to laugh.  Strict diet?  Well, okay, I guess you could call it that.  Personally I view it as a way to live.  You can't shake Diabetes like you can 10 pounds.  I guess it's all in how you look at things.

If I chose to look at our new lifestyle as a strict diet, then, from my perspective, I am doomed to failure. No one can maintain and eating plan if they perceive it as strict; that makes you think only of what you can not eat.

I am trying to think of our new eating plan as a fun and interesting challenge.  Can I really make it through the grocery store and avoid the cookie isle?  Is it possible to make food taste amazing without salt and a ton of sugar?  Since I don't like cooked veggies, how many different ways can I find to prepare them so I don't get bored?

Viewed this way, I am challenged every day to come up with something new and flavorful.  I don't need sugar and salt when I have an entire cadre of spices and herbs to use.  Come on, why salt your food when you can add the zing of ground mustard and dill to your morning eggs, or flavor the Thanksgiving turkey with lemon, oranges and sage?  For extra fun, you can slip a mixture of dried cherries and cranberries under the skin so that tangy flavor sinks deep into the meat.  

I'm telling you, it was the best turkey I have ever made, and no part of it was at all dry.  My mom found a new recipe to replace pumpkin pie, and I found that way more tasty than carb loaded pie crust!

Strict diet?  I guess you could view it that way, if you wanted to torture yourself by thinking about all the things you can't have.

Much more fun and interesting, however, to view the process as a challenging journey.  I can not maintain a strict diet all of my life and not cheat.  I can  look forward everyday to discovering new and interesting things to eat.

It's all a matter of perspective.

My favorite day

Thanksgiving has always been one of my most favorite days of the year!  As you know, I love to cook.  I mean I really LOVE TO COOK!  It's even better when I get to make a huge, special meal for my family.  Everyone sits around the table eats themselves stupid, laugh, talk and really enjoy each other.

It's even better when the whole family is together, it's cold outside and everything inside is warm, cozy, and the house smells like love and roasting turkey, or ham, or a roast, or whichever protein is heading up the meal.

This year is going to be different.  I'm still making the turkey, the wonderful 'little' thing is enjoying it's lemon and orange brine bath as we speak.  But the turkey may be about the only thing that remains from the holiday meals of old.

I have been combing though the diabetic websites and my cookbooks to come up with tasty 'substitutions' for our old standbys.  Regular mashed potatoes that have about a bazillion carbs per serving are being replaced by Three Cheese Whipped Potatoes (brought to you by Diabeticlivingonline.com).  Light fluffy mashed potatoes with ricotta cheese, cottage cheese and Gorgonzola cheese mixed in, for only one carb serving!  Doesn't that sound soooo much better than regular old mashed potatoes?  I thought so too!

The turkey is going to be especially tasty with lots of lemon and garlic and sage!  I get warm fuzzy feelings in my tummy just thinking about it!!

Can I manage to stay on plan and still pull off a spectacular holiday meal?  I think so, I just have to be really creative!  I can do that!

We don't need sugar to make a wonderful meal, all I need is love. . . and I have plenty of that!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Not an option

The other day, my mother asked me if I was giving up on my quest.  She had been reading my last few blogs and was worried that I was quitting.

I don't quit. I can't quit.  Failure is not an option.

I have been talking to a lot of people lately and have been reading as much as I can on motivating yourself through a difficult time.

Here is what I have learned:

1. There comes a point in every journey where it isn't fun anymore and the difficulty increases.
2. When your will is weak, you have to become strong. 
3. Going off your plan will screw with you . . . bad!

Okay, the last one is mine, but it is so true.  It has become hard, and frustrating.  I knew this test would come, and while I have always tested badly, I still have every intention to ace this one!

Here is my personal goal for the week.  I intend to lose weight this week.  Yes, turkey day and all.

If I can do that, I can do anything!  I intend to succeed!  That climbing wall is still there, waiting for me!

In an effort to maintain a good attitude, there was no weigh in today.  I was afraid that if I got onto the scale, the pity party would begin again.  As no one, especially me, wants to go there one more time, the weigh in was canceled.

I have a new game plan, menu ready and have a plan for Thanksgiving.  All systems are go, I just hope I am as well!

What was I thinking?

The last few weeks have been very difficult for me food-wise.  With the weather changing, and extra stressors (good and bad), I have been lax in what has gone in my mouth.  I am not happy about it, and I keep arriving at the same conclusion:  What was I thinking?

Last night is a good example.  We have this new little restaurant in town; the owners are the parents of one of The Boy's friends.  In an effort to offer support, we have eaten there a few times.  The first couple of times we were there I chose wisely off the menu; last night I lost my mind.

Migraines have been coming fast and furious for a few weeks now, linked, I believe; in part as my body's response to the lax eating regime.   One of the things that I do during a migraine is eating plenty of protein.  I have no idea what the science behind it is, but it actually does help.

Last night I ate a burger (which is fine) and FRENCH FRIES!!!  This is totally unacceptable!  I have no idea why, it was like my brain turned off and I went on autopilot.  Unfortunately, when it comes to food, my brain tends to default to junk.

Here is the kicker; I feel terrible!  Not just emotionally, physically.  I was fine for a couple hours after dinner, and then it was like my body started screaming in response to the crap I had just fueled it with.  My stomach was upset; the migraine (that had subsided) came roaring back with a vengeance!  Not only that, but every muscle in my body began to hurt!  Can a body picket the brain?  I seriously think that is what happened.

 I know better; really I do.  That is what has me so frustrated.  I have been complaining because the scale is not budging, yet I have put really awful garbage in my body.

The old saying, "You are what you eat"; I now realize is absolutely true!  I have been putting crappy garbage in my body, and in return, my body is feeling crappy.

And that is only the physical feeling; I haven't even mentioned the psychological ramifications!   My brain goes on autopilot, I eat the wrong thing (not bad, remember food is neither good nor bad), and an hour or so later, the little voice inside of me goes on attack.  Let me tell you, I can do a better number on beating myself up than anyone else ever could!

Why is this happening?  I believe that I became lax, I stopped paying attention.  I let Myron have reign and this is the result.  Weigh in is tomorrow and I have a feeling it is going to be bad.

Who needs Myron and Couch Potato; I am my own worse enemy!  But, really, when you stop and think about it, aren't we all?

Thanks for letting me vent, I do feel a bit more . . . determined than I did before.

This is me, picking myself back up, brushing myself off; and moving on down the path.  Now I have the proper light in my hand again, to light the way.

Why do I do this to myself????

More thoughts on Emotional Eating

Yeah, yeah, I don't want to beat a dead horse either, but I really do have some more thoughts on this emotional eating thing.  My brain started playing matching games today.  What do I mean by that?

Horrible day at work = cake

Emotional stress brought on by obnoxious teenager = ice cream

Migraine = chocolate

Fight with the husband and I need to be making some chocolate mousse.  

(Good thing we don't fight that often!)

I thought it was going to stop there, until I was reminded that naughty sugars come in liquid form as well.

A full week of Monday's at work = vodka

Arguing with my family = rum and coke

Flat tire and other car trouble = Bring on the Long Island Ice Tea!

Think about it.  Do you have certain foods you go to when you are stressed or upset?  I mean come on, remember when a bad breakup called for lots of Godiva chocolate and a Ben and Jerry sampler platter?

I used to think that Myron was a screaming little demon, I'm starting to think that he is really a badly disguised M&M and Couch Potato is his nutty little friend!

That is their new plan!  Keep me reaching for those evil little treats when I am upset and the weight stays on.

How do we combat this?  I'm still trying to figure it out.  Let me know if anyone thinks of anything!

Emotional Eating

I am reading this book right now on emotional eating.  I'm hoping it's going to help me to NOT eat when my emotions are all over the place.  (I am slightly frightened that it will teach me HOW to eat when my emotions are screwed up.  'Cause I pretty much have that down cold!)

Anyway, it got me thinking, how much of what goes in my mouth, and onto my hips, is put there because I was upset or stressed and not really hungry.  Think about it.  It's a really easy concept, but once you actually start to think about it, it is rather scary!

Buried emotions are frightening things.  Not only do they make you fat (emotional eating), but they can sneak up on you at unfortunate times and make you feel lousy all over again.

When I was in college, I had some truly horrifying experiences.  That was when my true weight problem began.  I worked through what happened to me, even had some counseling; but still, when something brings a memory up, I head straight to the fridge and the ice cream inside!

I guess I put on the weight as a sort of shield.  I must admit, it did help keep people away.  But the more weight I put on, the worse I felt.  The worse I felt the more I raided the kitchen; which in turn made me upset that I had no self-control!  Does anyone else see the spiraling vortex here?

It is easy to see and identify, but almost impossible to manage.  I'm hoping that identifying why I eat will help me along the path I want to be on, rather than the one I have walked most of my life.

Holiday Deliema

Did you know that Thanksgiving is next week?  Did that come up fast or what?

This will be my first Thanksgiving on the new plan, I must admit I'm a little nervous.

I love to cook!  Thanksgiving is actually one of my most favorite days because I get to spend it in the kitchen making a big, beautiful meal with everyone's favorites.  I was worried that would not be possible this year.

Wrong!  What was I thinking?  I'm a resourceful girl and I have my handy-dandy go to websites to fall back on.  Dlife and Diabetic Living Online would never let me down!

I found this amazing recipe for turkey, it's called Herbed Lemon Turkey with wild mushroom gravy.  Does that sound wonderful or what? 

Then there's the potatoes.  Does Three Cheese Whipped Potatoes sound good?  They have Loaded with ricotta, cottage, and Gorgonzola cheeses.  The kids will never know the difference.  The most awesome thing about this recipe is that it is only one carb choice!

I'm still a little a little stuck on the desserts.  They are going to be a bit difficult, but I'm sure I can persevere. 

Do you think they will all know that they will be eating a Totally Diabetic Thanksgiving?  Here is my new holiday meal motto:  "What they don't know won't hurt them!" 

Manic Monday

Did you ever have one of those days when you feel like you should have just stayed in bed?  Yeah, most of mine are on Monday too.  Today was a particularly brutal Manic Monday.

The day started out well enough, until I got out of bed.  See, I think that was my mistake.  Things might have been different if I would have simply covered my head up and went back to sleep.  Hindsight is 20/20 after all.

I couldn't find my shampoo, the clothes I wanted to wear were no where to be found and the cat stole my glasses!  That was before I even left the house.  My car was low on gas and I had to stop at the grocery store to get something for lunch.

Do you know that our neighborhood market has an incredibly good bakery?  Not only that, you have to go through the bakery to get to the produce section.  I think that people who write diet books also design grocery store layouts.  Why else would you have to walk past all the yummy sweets to get to the veggies?  It's an evil plan to keep the diet book people in business!  I'm sure of it.

The morning at work was a disaster, inferior only to lunch.  The bag of lettuce that I had purchased was rotten in the middle and the cut veggies I had wanted to put in it were all smelly and slimy.  Wow!  Was I glad that I stopped at the grocery store!

So then I had to go out and get something.  While I was out, I considered heading on home and bagging the rest of the day.  Sadly, I went back and had an afternoon that was like the morning.

I arrived home to an unfortunate letter from the IRS.

It was at this point that I stared to beg for cake and ice cream!  I hate when I am struck by the emotional eating monster!  I hate that guy; I think he is related to Myron!

So, now, I am off to bed; migraine medication running through my system. I just hope tomorrow is better!  Another day like today and I may be dining at McDonald's!

Squeaking by

Sunday morning and things are quiet and cozy.  I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep.  I was worried about weigh in.  I've been a bad Dtourer lately and have been suffering the consequences in attitude and mental anguish.  Was I now going to suffer more defeat when I met the scale this morning?

Finally, I just got up and went to meet my fate.  Up one pound.  Okay, considering how I've been eating lately, it could have been much worse.  I guess I'll take the one pound and count myself fortunate it wasn't more.

I really, really want to get back on track and get focused again.  How am I going to do that now?

I'm going to buckle down, get back to basics and as silly as it may sound, I'm going to try the whole morning affirmation routine.  I'm going to try (really I am) to not find excuses and go to the gym.  If I'm not feeling well, I am going to force myself to go.  Perhaps a little sweat will get rid of the cold and flu germs.  Can you sweat those out of your system?

Today, I'm starting the 2 week fast start on Dtour to remind me what I need to do.  As soon as I am done here, I'll be putting my menu together!

Deep breath, okay, off I go!  Wish me luck! 

The Unknown experiment

The last couple of weeks have been pretty much miserable. (Except, of course, for my anniversary!)  I just realized that I have been conducting a sort of experiment; subconsciously.

First I was sick, never a good time.  I couldn't eat or taste anything.  When I did eat all I wanted was greasy junk and sugary crap.  Yup, good old comfort food.  Since I generally felt like I wanted to die, I didn't really care what I ate.

Then, I wanted to redo my two-week fast start but had trouble with the computer and then didn't go grocery shopping. (Oh my, I do believe the Empress of Justification is attempting a reappearance!)

So, needless to say, I have not been a good girl in regards to my eating plan.  I realized that tonight when I found myself sampling some french fries and then informed the boy that I wanted cake.

I was going to start beating myself up when I realized something.  I've been eating crappy stuff the last couple of weeks.  I have been feeling crappy the last couple of weeks.  My attitude has been crappy the last couple of weeks.  Do you think there could be a correlation?

I'm now wondering if I behave and eat on plan for the next couple of weeks, will my attitude improve?  Will I feel better and not want to slam people into walls?

I think I'll try it!

Who Comes Up With This Stuff??

So, I was cruising around the Prevention Website (I know, weird, right?) and came across a study about Exercise.

10 Reasons to Move

Exercise makes you sharper, happier, and healthier. Get ready to transform your life!

I need to motivate myself, so I clicked on the link (you can too!) and started to read.  As I'm reading along I started to wonder who comes up with this stuff and exactly how qualified are they?
 
Here's what I mean; direct quote from the article:

4. Feel Sexy at Any Size
A good workout practically ensures a better body image. A Pennsylvania State University study found that women ages 42 to 58 felt more attractive after 4 months of walking or yoga even if they didn't lose weight. Exercise can also put you in the mood for love by increasing blood flow to the genitals. University of Washington research found that just one 20-minute cycling workout enhanced sexual arousal up to 169% in women. And the benefits stand the test of time: A Harvard study of swimmers found that those over age 60 were as satisfied sexually as those decades younger.

Do this Try 20 minutes of aerobics before a romantic evening. To feel good naked anytime, walk or do yoga daily.  

 Are they kidding?  I mean seriously who are they trying to fool?  If I worked steadily for  4 months and didn't lose any weight, I would feel murderous, not amorous!

Then I started reading a little closer.  Did anyone else notice that the study was done at a University?  And who, pray tell, handles all of the research at a University?  Students, little bippy, young co-eds!  Now, I ask you, what would a 20 something know about how a more mature (over 20 something) woman would feel about her body image during sex?

And what scale are they using when they arrived at and increase in sexual arousal of 169%?  Was the control group housed in a nursing home or a cemetery?

Have they lost their minds?  Or are they really that desperate for a new way to attempt to motivate us?

Maybe next time, they could have actual adults do the study, that might help!

The World's Most Perfect Pizza!!

I think I may have finally found it!  The perfect pizza recipe!  Prevention had it all the time.  Silly me, I should have known the people who created the  Dtour Plan would have the elusive perfect pizza recipe!

Artichoke- Feta- Spinach Pizza

Ingredients

• 1 tablespoon cornmeal
• 4 tablespoons dry-pack sun-dried tomato bits
• 1 bunch scallions, chopped
• 10 ounces fresh baby spinach
• 1/2 cup (2 ounces) crumbled feta cheese
• 1 tube (10 ounces) refrigerated pizza dough
• 1 cup rinsed and drained waterpacked canned artichoke hearts, patted dry and quartered
• 1/2 cup (2 ounces) grated provolone cheese

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 450°F. Coat a large round pizza pan with nonstick spray. Sprinkle with the cornmeal.

2. Place the sun-dried tomato bits in a small bowl. Cover with boiling water. Allow to soak for 10 minutes, or until soft. Drain and discard the liquid.

3. Coat a medium nonstick skillet with nonstick spray. Set over medium heat. Add the scallions.Cook for 2 minutes, or until almost soft. Add the spinach and cook, stirring often, for 2 minutes, or until wilted and/or heated through. Remove from the heat. Stir in the feta. Set aside to cool.

4. Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured work surface. Roll into a 12" circle. Place on the prepared pan. Spread with the spinach mixture, leaving a 1/4" border. Sprinkle evenly with the tomato bits. Arrange the artichokes on top.Sprinkle with the provolone.

5. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown.

• Prep Time: 10 mins
• Cook Time: 18 mins
• Total Time: 38 mins
• Serves: 8

I mean really, how can you get more perfect than that?  Artichoke, Feta, and Spinach!  All on the same awesome pizza!  I think I need to stop for today, anything else I add will just diminish the awesomeness of the dish!

 

Whatever It Takes

 
I've seen this video before and thought it was cute.  I ran across it again this evening and it got me thinking.  Perhaps there is something to this daily affirmation  thing.  It certainly seems to be working for this young lady.

I remember years ago my brother had been having a difficult time; I was over at his house and noticed a note taped to his bathroom mirror.  It was short and sweet

"Whatever It Takes!"  

Even now, all those years later, when I'm having a difficult time, I see that little note in my head.  It really does help!

So maybe I could come up with a short, simple little affirmation that I could look at it everyday and remind me of what is really important.  I'm not sure if Whatever It Takes will work, I need something more weight and diabetic friendly.

I'm open to suggestions.  It needs to be something, short, sweet, and motivating.

Thoughts anyone?

Health Assessment

One of the fun things I get to do for the company who carries our insurance at work is to take a health assessment every year.  It's a pain, but it is also quite enlightening.

I was actually really interested to see how mine changed from last year.  I didn't score so well last year and was really hoping that my score really improved .  Apparently, marking the Diabetes circle is tantamount to putting a big scarlet A on your chest!

My score was 65, they consider you 'healthy' with a score above 80.  My favorite part was the sentence in the report that said "Your diagnosis of Diabetes increases your risk of having Diabetes."  Wow!  Is that a brilliant statement or what?

So according to this oh so scientific assessment, I am no healthier now than I was at the same time last year.  If I was willing to believe that I'd really feel frustrated.  Good thing I'm not putting much stock in the silly report huh?

Here's the thing; we are supposed to be working toward a healthy lifestyle, right?  You do everything you can to improve your health, then along comes a silly test being used by and insurance company and suddenly feel like all your efforts in the last year have been for naught.

I've changed my diet, I have my blood sugar mostly under control.  I have dropped over 70 pounds, I'm exercising (or trying to) and still, not enough for them.

I think they are being especially picky and have no idea how difficult changing your entire lifestyle is.

I think we should make the geniuses who developed the assessment take it themselves!  Let's see how they score!

Another weigh in day has come and gone.  Results?  I went up a pound.  I'm telling you something is wrong with that dang scale!

Okay, it's not the scale's fault, but it's easier to blame a pieces of machinery than to blame myself!  If I blame the scale, then I don't have to be accountable to myself for this last week.

I was not a very good Dtourer last week.  For that matter, I wasn't a very good Person with Diabetes.  I did however, make a wonderfully whiny sick person.

I have no idea what the heck sort of bug I got; but it is refusing to let go.  I didn't go to the gym last week ,either.  It was difficult to go to the gym when I had a hard enough time getting up and dressed in the morning.

So, it looks like I am back to square one on Monday.  I really hate that square, although I seem to spend a lot of time there lately.

Deep breath, focus on the goal and don't beat myself up for last week.  I can do this.  I know I can!

Sometimes, this journey I'm on is really hard.

A Special Reminder

Seventeen years ago today, I married the love of my life; my wonderful husband.  The wedding was small, outdoors and as unique as hubby and I are.

I remember that day like it was yesterday.  We were married in the middle of the burn area the week after the Malibu fire of 1993.  The smell of smoke was still hanging faintly in the air yet there were green shoots already poking their way through the charred landscape around us.

Little did we realize, that image would serve as the theme for our lives together.  We have had more than our share of tough times and horrid incidents occur; yet, no matter what has happened, we stand together and emerge stronger; just as those tender green shoots poked their way through the blackened vegetation.

Days like these remind me, yet again, the importance of what I am doing.  They are the very reason I am on this journey.  I want to be around for my 34th anniversary.  The only way to ensure that happens is to continue down the path that I am on.

No amount of sweet treats, or greasy food is as special and wonderful as my husband and family are.

Money is tight this week (no surprise there).  I can't buy the gift for my amazing husband, that I was hoping for.

But maybe the best and most heartfelt gift I can give him is the next 17 years.  I can continue to walk the path that I am on, knowing that each step along the way means another year with my husband.

Yes, that is it.  That will be my gift to him.  Happy Anniversary, my love.  I am doing my best to bring Forever and a Day to reality.

Do you feed or starve a cold?

"Starve a cold, feed a fever"  or is it "Starve a fever feed a cold"?  I can never remember.  Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter, I can't taste anything anyway!

Why is it that when you are sick all you want is junky, comfort food?  Seriously, all I've wanted this week are sweets, cake and chocolate and I would have killed someone for a steaming hot latte!

But here's the thing, I can't taste anything I eat, so what is the use of eating sweets and chocolate?  If I'm going to 'cheat' I'd be better off saving it for when I can tell I'm eating a wonderfully moist cake, or a decedent chocolate.  


Dead taste buds should be reserved for things like broccoli and brussel sprouts!  Is there someone on earth who actually likes Brussel Sprouts?  I think I'm digressing. . . . 

Do we starve or feed a cold or a fever?  Does it really matter?  And as long as I am asking these questions, who are the old wives and do they really tell tales?

Okay, I know, fever is back and I'm getting delirious.

Sorry everyone.  No post tonight.  Bad bad cold.  I can't breathe much less think or write.

More tomorrow . . .if I survive the night.

Deep thoughts on success

Two days with no post.  Weird, right?  I didn't even post on weigh in day;  -2 lbs by the way!  Things have been moving so fast, and I have a bad cold or flu and my brain isn't working correctly.

Besides that, I have been sort of stuck on the  whole expectations thing.  The more I thought about it, the deeper it seemed to go.  How much of who and what we are is shaped by other people's expectations of us?  How do our expectations of others affect them?  The more and more I thought about it, the dizzier I got.

Is part of my weight issue a subconscious reaction to the expectations that other people had of and for me when I was young?  Probably.

But you know what?  You can only use that as an excuse for just so long.  Sooner or later, you need to take responsibility for your own life and actions.

So where have I ended up with all of this?  Yes, part of my problem could be seated in my youth and my perception of what others expected of me.  But, I am a grown adult now, (and have been for quite some time) who is responsible for what I do with my life now.

I choose to lose weight.  I choose to change my life, my career and my habits.  It may take me awhile to do it, but I will get there.

I can choose to not get frustrated when things don't move along as quickly as I like.  I need to learn that I have succeeded if the needle stays where it is on Sunday mornings.  Why should I complain with a stationary needle on the scale?  If it doesn't go up, I've succeeded for the week, haven't I?

I'm sorry that the last couple of posts haven't been my usual fare, but I think I may have come upon a breakthrough!  I understand myself a bit better now.

Scared yet?  I am.