YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN . . .

While putting a salad together for a healthy, on plan lunch, you look down and realize you are holding the second of two chocolate chip cookies.  The first of which has already been devoured!  How did that happen?  How could I have opened the cookie tin, grabbed the cookies and eaten a cookie with no comprehension of what I was doing?!  Wow, I'm sure glad that there wasn't any cake in the house!!

I guess I am more obsessed with food than I realized!  If I was an alcoholic or a smoker I could just go cold turkey.  Maybe that would work, cold turkey on food.  Wait . . . that won't work, if I don't eat I die, and that is what we are trying to avoid!

I threw the cookie away and got back to my salad.  While I was doing that my mind started racing with thoughts of condemnation, and very negative thoughts about myself!!!

Then I remembered my class.  I am sabotaging myself with negative self talk!  That will not due.  I am not a failure, nor am I stupid and useless!

I am strong, confidant, and I am able to do this!

Yes, the scale has creeped along, unfortunately it's been creeping in the wrong direction! What I choose to do now is what is important.

Growing up, I was taught that you don't quit.  When the going gets tough you take a deep breath and push on through.  Now is the time to push.

I need to conquer the Exercise beast!  I'm not sure how yet, but I am ready to try again!


Deep breath.  Ready . . .set . . . go!

Idea

So, I'm done feeling sorry for myself.  It was quite the little wallow I had!  Glad to be over it and to get back to business.

I do better with goals.  (Doesn't everybody?)  So, I set myself a goal.


Our anniversary is in early November.  I am planning something for that event.  I can not tell you all what exactly it is (Hubby reads the blog and I don't want to give anything away!)


So, if you want to know what the new goal is, send me an email or send me a message on Facebook and I will tell you what my plan is. . . Trust me, it's a good one!!

I am blessed to have such a wonderful man to spend my life with.  He is my rock and the love of my life.  What better motivation do I need? 

The boy is in on the secret and he will be helping to keep me accountable.

I'm inspired and re-energized!  Yes, my dad had a heart-attack when he was my age.  That doesn't mean I have to!!

Terror

I am the same age as my father was when he had his first heart attack.

How does one process that bit of information?

A love letter to my boys . . .

My dearest boys,

You have both worked so hard and been so supportive of me in the last year or so that I have been on this journey.  I couldn’t ask for a better support system than the two of you.

I feel like I have let you down.  Somewhere along the line, with school, work, and all of the other things going on; I lost track of what was important, our family.  We started on this journey to ensure that all three of us would be along for a very long time.  I need to put my runaway train back on the rails.

That said, I am making you the following promises:

1.   No more ice cream

2.   No fast food

3.   Proper meal planning

4.   Exercise

Yes, you read it correctly, I am swearing off ice cream.  Does that prove how serious I am?

I want to see my grandchildren (Which won’t be for quite some time!).  I want to walk in the woods with my husband, and watch my son embark on his own epic journey.

I am sorry that I have let us all down.  It won’t happen again.

All my love,

Katie/Mom

Confessions - aren't they good for the soul???

Okay, I've been a very, very bad blogger.  I am sorry for that.  There have been some things going on and I think I am only just beginning to get my head wrapped around them.

The class I took this summer on Stress really freaked me out!  I had no idea I had been operating under so much stress.  We took a stress survey and my scores were almost off the charts!  It scared me.

Then, as I read more, and listened to lectures in class, a part of my brain started to whisper quietly to me.  It probably would have been shouting, but the rest of me wasn't ready to listen yet.

I have come to the determination that I am, once again, depressed.  Not just "Oh man, I gained some weight." depressed, but real, honest to goodness, curl up in a corner and hide depressed.  I have no energy, no spark, and really no real incentive to move forward with things right now.  I have been in this place many times in my life and usually I have someone around to kick me in the hiney and push me out of it.

This time, I came to the realization on my own.  Yup, here I am again, covers over my head, pull down the shades and disappear.  Not cool.

Realizing what is happening is one thing.  Doing something about it is another.  Somehow, I have to dig down and find that little spark.  If I find it I can persuade it to ignite, but I am having some trouble finding it.

I know I sound whiny, and I do apologize.  But I promised at the onset to put everything down, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Believe me, I feel pretty ugly at the moment!

Then the other night, I had heartburn.  My chest got tight and sort of burned.  I thought for a moment that I was having a heart attack!  If nothing else was going to give me incentive to get motivated again, the terror of that moment did.

So, I know what I have to do, now I just have to figure out how to do it.