I'M BACK! ! BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!!

I apologize for being away so long.  I haven't forgotten anyone or anything.  I needed some time to regroup and decide how I wanted (needed) to proceed.

Okay, I'll be honest.  I was sulking.  I'm not proud of it, but that was what I was doing.  Sorry about that.

When this all started, I wanted to do it alone. well okay, not alone, but without a solid program or meetings or things of that nature.

My trip to the Nutritionist made me rethink my whole position.  You know what?  I can't do it alone, sometimes in life, you have to admit that you need help.

This has been very difficult for me to admit to myself.  I hate it when I let myself down, which is what I had thought that i did.  I considered myself a failure.

I really need to stop that!

Stopping now!

Hubby and I went out tonight for a very rare night out.  We had a conversation about what I was thinking and feeling and where we had thought things have gone off the rails.  

I figured it out, and in the interest of full disclosure (that was the deal at the beginning of this journey), here is what I (we) figured out:

1. Getting tired makes you lazy and makes fast food much more attractive at the end of the day.
2. Going to the store at the end of a long day and grabbing the first thing you see (even if it's a good for you thing, is a bad plan).
3. Not exercising (even when you hate it) is just plain stupid!
4. I have realized that I am, in fact, an addict.  I do believe that I am addicted to food.  Especially food that is bad for me!
5. I need to swallow my pride, stop sulking, and take the help that I need to get where I need to go.

I have a new plan!  As was suggested, I joined Weight Watchers (online version, I have no desire to go to weekly meetings).  There will be weekly weigh ins again.  Every Sunday, rain, snow, or tantrum!

We are going back to weekly menu planning and I will be avoiding the grocery store for the foreseeable future.

New plan, check

New Attitude, check

New determination, check

The only thing I need now, is a new philosophy:

When you pursue your dreams with focus, self-doubt can't catch you!

New Direction

So, when I went to the Nutritionist I was worried about what she was going to say.  The last thing I thought I would hear is that I was not eating enough carbs and protein!

She suggested that I take a new track with my eating plan.  (I still refuse to use the "D" word!)  I need to start doing the math thing and keep track of calories. 

That has never been my favorite thing to do.  Probably because it involves math and we all know how much I love math!  So calorie counting it  will be.

This means that I am taking a step back from my beloved Dtour (Now called Outsmart Diabetes).  I am hoping that I will be able to incorporate parts of it into whatever the new plan is that I end up with.

The counselor suggested Weight Watchers.  Her thought was that I could make use of the online tools because I am always on the go.

I am not sure how I feel about that.  I wanted to do this on my own without joining some program.  I guess I am going to have to reevaluate that thought process.

Hubby told me tonight that he thinks my biggest problem is my self-esteem and self-worth.  I'm thinking about that now too. . . . .

NEW PLAN!!!

First of all, let me apologize for the infrequent posts lately.  I forgot what finals time was like!  WoW, this is kicking my "little" hiney!

If you haven't figured it out by now, I am a weirdness magnet.  As a matter of fact, there is a whole list of things that we now title - "S*&T that only happens to Katie".  Here is today's example:

Today was my appointment with the Dietitian at the Diabetes Education Center.  (That's part of the new plan!).  My mom went with me, because you should always take someone else with you to help digest the amount of information that you get.  (Pun intended!)

So, we are sitting there going over what I eat during the day and snacks and things like that.  This very nice woman looks at me with a rather strange look on her face and says "Katie, you are not eating enough carbs!"

Okay, so how many people go in to see a Diabetes Nutritionist and hears they are NOT eating enough carbs?!  ME, that's who!  Let the weirdness roll on!


I have a new plan, I'm working out the details and will let everyone know what that is as soon as I have all the logistics worked out.

I'm not quitting, I don't quit!  I reevaluate and regroup, but I don't quit!!

Back to the beginning

When things get tough, when they get really, really difficult; that is the time that you discover exactly how committed you are to your endeavor.  I have taken time this week to decided exactly what I wanted to do.  I was tired, frustrated and defeated.

I have an appointment next week to go see a Dietitian at the Area Diabetes Education Center.  I am not going near a store that sells food until I can keep myself under control.  I am lucky that I have two strong and wonderful boys to help me through.  Besides, they stay to a shopping list better than I do!

I will confess to having horribly strong sweet and chocolate cravings!  Luckily, my requests for chocolate and sweets are being met with a very solid wall of NO!

I made it through this particular bog before.  Hopefully I remember the way good enough to not get sucked down into some chocolate syrup filled hole!

Doctor's visit

So, after a week or so of bouncing sugar levels, I went to see the Doctor.  Unfortunately, my Doctor was not available for another week, so I saw another Doctor in the same office.   Wow, was that a mistake!

She did do an A1C test.   The A1C is helpful because it gives you the average of all your blood sugar levels for the last 3 months.  Another blow.  My A1C is up by almost 2 full points!  Which is really weird as I have had a streak of low (hypo) readings!

Then came blow number 2, I am up 20 pounds from my last Doctor's visit.  That visit was approximately a month ago.  How is it possible that I gained that much weight in such a short time.

Something is not right!

Fortunately, she is giving me a referral to go and see a Dietitian at the Diabetes Care Center.

I am feeling deflated (or is it inflated?), and defeated at this moment.  I need to regroup.

The Return of Myron!

I was getting ready for work this morning and when looked into the mirror and thought something was wrong.  It was, the chin that I had lost seemed to be attempting to show up again!  My stomach roiled  and I saw tears gathering in my eyes.  And from a dark corner of my brain, I heard Myron's maniacal laughter, and it was growing louder and louder by the moment!


Things just went down hill from there:

• Ran out of the house without breakfast (boo boo number 1).
• Felt weird and weak and tired - checked blood sugar = 59! (Lowest it has ever been)
• Called hubby, that wonderful man brought me food! (blood sugar went back up)
• 2 hours later, blood sugar was 73 - NOT GOOD!
• Had a small snack - 10 minutes later - sugar was 142 - TOO HIGH!

It slowly dawned on me during throughout the day, that I had not been feeling well a lot lately.  My headaches are coming back with a vengeance!
 
For weeks now, I have heard a ringing in my ears.  Today I realized it wasn't ringing; it was that damn Myron laughing at me!


My wonderful, amazing hubby spent part of his day at home clearing the 'contraband' from the house.  I am a weak willed individual.  I have figured out that I can not have the stuff in the house.  If it is here, I will find it.


My best indicator that I was in trouble actually occurred the other day.  I had asked the boys bring me chocolate.  Which they did, and I waited until they were upstairs, or in the shower before I would eat it.  then, I made sure that all candy wrappers were disposed of and out of sight before my mom came over and saw it.


I am really beginning to worry about this food addiction thing!  It goes out of the house and I go back on a strict regime.


I feel humiliated by all of this.  This is not the way things are supposed to work.  I am not supposed to fall this far off the wagon.  Okay, I didn't just fall off the wagon, I jumped and then laid in the road and allowed the wagon to run me over a few times before I thought to get up out of the dirt and brush myself off.


The dirt is coming off and I am plotting Myron's next downfall!

Late night thoughtsI

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about food (so what's new, right?).


In the past I have said that there are no "good foods" or "bad foods", there is just food.  I still believe that, in most cases.


But not for me.  I have been slipping A LOT lately and am quite ashamed of myself.  I have been hiding food wrappers and eating 'contraband' when no one else is around.  As long as I don't touch food I shouldn't be eating, I'm fine.


Then I get an idea in my head.  "I really need a hit of something sweet", or "I really need some chocolate!" get in my head and I can't seem to get it out!  So, I guess that, as far as I'm concerned, there is "bad" food.  I have no control when it comes to sweets and chocolate and bread.  Aaahhh, bread, I love bread!  And Ice cream.  Have I mentioned that I love ice cream?


I can get back on track, it will be difficult, but like a smoker, I just have to continue to keep "quitting".  I can do that!  I don't want to do it, but I need to!  Perhaps I was totally off the mark about food addiction.  Just like an addict!


I feel guilty when I eat things I shouldn't.  I hide evidence of what I have been eating, and make sure that I eat it when I am alone?  Don't I sound like an alcoholic or a smoker?  I am understanding new and horrible things about myself.  I can not be trusted around certain foods!  Wow!  That sucks!!


My Doctor and I had a conversation about food, diet and Diabetes.  I was whining about the fact that my weight loss has come to a screaming halt.  Instead of sympathy; she looked at me and said the following.

"My mother has Diabetes. From the day of her diagnosis, she has not eaten one thing, not one thing, that was not on her food list. She lost weight by virtue of the fact that she was eating healthy and watching her portion control."

I felt 2" tall.  At the time I was frustrated and whiny.  Now, that I have had some time to think, I have to admit that she has a point and I need to follow in her mom's example.

 I really, really hate it when she is right and I am wrong!!

So, what is the next step?  Back to the grindstone and out with that which I should never, ever eat!

Does it do a body good?

Here's a little quiz:


What product does this nutrition label go to:

 Give up?  Skim milk!  I am not even kidding!!!!  Check out the sugar level!  Who on earth would add sugar to skim milk?

The dopey milk people that's who!  Apparently sugar is added to skim milk to make it taste better!  Okay, if I want sugar in my milk, I'll drink chocolate milk!

What brought this up?  Hubby was at work last night and one of his co-workers had a small carton of skim milk, one of the 8 oz ones that kids get in school.  Out of habit, hubby glanced at the nutrition content.

There it was in black and white, sugar in the milk!  I got on my favorite search engine and checked it out.  There it was again!

Surprisingly, I can't find anything on the Dairy Council's Website.  But I'm still looking . . .