The state of things.

The boy is getting ready to graduate and head off to college.  Yes, I am facing an empty nest, I think I can handle it. . . Hopefully.

Anyway, I've been having these awful dreams lately.  Last night's was especially horrible.  I dreamed that The Boy was graduating college and he was speaking at graduation.  Seems perfectly innocuous, right?

He started his speech by saying that his mother had always been very supportive and always there to lend a hand, or a shoulder to lean on.  He only wished that she could be there now to share in the day with him.

Talk about waking up in a cold sweat!

That dream has been haunting me all day long!  I cannot let it happen!  If I miss his graduation, what about marriage and grandchildren?  I could miss it all!  I don't want that!

Coincidentally, I have been thinking that I need to find something to become obsessed with.  I figure if I immerse myself in something to help me get over my empty nest.

How easy do you think it is to become obsessed with exercise?  It's supposed to be addictive, right?

As long as I'm confessing here, I might as well get it all out.  I have been eating in secret.  I don't really understand why, either!  I just have felt the need to wait until everyone is out of the house and then sneakily eat things that I am not supposed to.

I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  I don't understand why I'm doing it?  I need to stop.  I figure getting it all out now will help sort of purge it from my system.

I need to be in a seat next to my wonderful husband at that graduation.

Scared . . . . .

This weekend my mother had a scary episode that took us to the hospital.  It turned out what I thought was a stroke, was a Transient ischemic attack (TIA).  These are also known as baby strokes.  No permanent damage.  That was the first scary thing that happened.

The second scary thing was something that the doctors said.  Something EVERY doctor said.

As medical staff was coming in and out talking to us, every single one asked the same few questions:

• Do you have Diabetes?
• Do you have high blood pressure?
• Do you have high cholesterol?

A couple of the doctors actually glanced at me as they were asking my mother these questions.  Every time they were asked, the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

Apparently I am in a VERY high risk group!  What wonderful news!!

As if I wasn't scared enough with what was going on with Mom, now let's continually remind me of that nasty piece of my reality.

Guess I've just been delivered a good swift kick!

My mom is going to be okay.  I just have to make sure that I am too!

Paleo Diet, here we come!

• When you are a kid, you get to goof off, play with your friends and explore the world, that's what kids do.

• When you are a teenager, you get to discover the opposite sex, make stupid mistakes, and drive a car.  That's what teens do.
• When you are in your twenties, you figure out how to live on your own, discover the differences in people and reach the drinking age, that is what your twenties are for.
• When you are in your thirties, you settle down, establish your career and gather your family, the one that you are given, and the one that you make.  That is what your thirties are for.
• When you are in your forties, you come to terms with yourself, really learn who you are and learn to like yourself, that's what your forties are for.

I'll admit, I'm a slow learner.  I am only now realizing that I am fine the way I am.  I am actually beginning to like me.  I am not seeking approval from others, but looking inside for the approval that I need.

I may like my forties after all!

Caveman

So I have been doing research on this whole foods thing, let me tell you it is not as easy as one would think.  I was looking for some kind of plan to follow, in the hopes that it would be a bit easier.

While in Barnes and Noble over the weekend, wonderful hubby and I ran into a lady who has the same diagnosis that I do.  In talking to her, she told us that her doctor had recommend something called the Paleo diet.  Intrigued, I decided to check it out.

Three days of research later, I broached the subject with my boys.  They seem equally interested.

So it looks like we are going to be regressing back to the caveman days! 

http://thepaleodiet.com/


I need about another week of research and planning but I'm thinking a week from Sunday will be the start date.

I don't want to do fad diets, but I am trying to find something that we can follow.  I thought about going back to the Dtour (Outsmart Diabetes) diet, but I could not figure out how to modify it for the Gluten Intolerance and IBS.

Check the link out!  I'm very interested in reading what you all think!

Boot straps are pulled up and I am ready to go again.  I try, I fail, and I berate myself, but I can not stop trying!  I have to marshal on with this.

Also still thinking about moving this blog to a free-standing website.  Would anyone visit it?

Bootstraps

So, in the car today, my wonderful son tells me that he is really worried about the way 'we' have been eating.  He is concerned about the fact that I am not eating what I should.

Talk about a slap in the face.  I felt like crying.  I have already been feeling like a failure and now this.

Okay, so I can sit here and feel sorry for myself or I can pull myself up by the bootstraps, take a deep breath and start again.

Back to the books, time to stop being terrified.

I can do this . . . can't I?

Tired

I sat down today and reread some of my first blogs.  I was so excited back then.  I was so flush with success when the weight started coming off.  There was so much determination in my words and so much excitement.

Today, I sit here full of frustration and fear.  I am steadily approaching the age that my father was when he died.  I don't want to be in my grave before I'm fifty.  From what I understand 50 is when all the fun starts!

So far I have lost weight, gained a lot of it back.  Developed weird food allergies and am now swelling up for some bizarre reason that no one can figure out.  I feel like the Stay-Puff marshmallow person.

I am frustrated with spinning my wheels, and having things taken away.

So far I have lost:

Sugar
wheat
processed food
and a bunch else that I can't even remember right now.


Here lies Katie, killed by the Twinkie that she ate.

Breaking the Fast

So, my little fasting experiment came to a screeching halt on Tuesday evening.  I was really hungry and had a horrible headache.  I felt really lightheaded and couldn't think.  To make sure everything was alright, I tested my blood sugar.  43.  I have never had a number that low!


Dinner was quickly made for me and I ate some chips and cheese to hopefully stop the downward spiral I was on.  I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday and my sugar was still so low that I had my very first insulin injection.  I don't have to be on insulin, it was just to get me over the hump.

Needless to say, that was the end of my juice fast.


I still think that detoxing my body is a good idea.  I just have to find another way to do it.

Day three . . .

Have you ever noticed the amount of food commercials on television?  There are all sorts of fat-filled, high calorie food advertised all over the place?  Why does no one ever advertise healthy food?  When was the last time you saw a commercial for Boca Burgers or fresh apples?  That's what I want to know.

From what I understand, day three is supposed to be the hardest.  I am trying to figure out how to put ice cream through the juicer.  Does that let you know how I am feeling at the moment?

I'm going to focus on my homework tonight and hope that keeps my mind off my rumbling stomach.

Day two . . .

Okay, juice fast day two,  let the whining begin!

Okay, I'll admit I was whining earlier this evening.  I came home and there was a bag of chocolate chip cookies on the table!  How mean was that?  I persevered; I made my dinner juice (it was gross!!), felt sorry for myself for a couple of hours and then hubby went out to get me more veggies for my juices tomorrow.

Hubby committed to take this little journey with me.  He made it half the day on Sunday.  By early evening, he was munching down on a quesadilla.  I gave him points for trying and he is helping me man the juice machine!

So far, so good.  I'm dying for a huge bowl of ice cream, but since it wouldn't go through the juicer, that will have to wait!

More later!

Ready . . .Set . . .Drink!

Tomorrow is the day!  Our fast begins!

Hubby and I went to the store this evening and spent lots of money on veggies and fruits for our juices tomorrow.  I can't tell which of us is more excited to start.

We even have some things I have never tried before, beets and fennel bulbs.  I love the spice fennel so let's hope the bulb is just as tasty.

I am not at all hesitant about this move.  I'm just hoping it helps me feel better.

More tomorrow!

Preperation

The juice fast plan is in full motion!  I have Doctor's approval and everything!  Wonderful hubby is joining me on the fast in a stunning example of spousal support.  The boy is not quite ready to go that far, but he will be rooting us on.

The big day is Sunday and I am really excited about this.

We will keep everyone posted as we continue on with out plans!

Crossroads

I still feel crappy.  I am tired of feeling crappy.  I have a new plan for not feeling crappy anymore.

I have come to my crossroads, hopefully I don't have to make that deal with the devil, I have something else in mind.

After lots of conversation, frustration, and research wonderful hubby and I have come to a conclusion;  I need to detox my whole system.

How does one do that?   I have chosen to go on a juice fast.  No I'm not crazy, just desperate.

After the juice fast is over, we will be on a strictly whole foods diet.  It's about all I can think of.

Why a juice fast?  It started with a documentary I watched called Fat Sick and Nearly Dead.

I know it sounds extreme. But I am having a hard time eating solid food.  I am still throwing up at least once a day and even though the meds help, I am still miserable.  My stomach is upset constantly and I have to consciously force myself to keep what I eat down.

So that is the plan. 

I have a week of prep to do before I start the fast.

What do you all think?

No more resolutuions

It's that time of year again.  We are all making those wonderful New Year's Resolutions.  You know, when we promise to turn over a new leaf and become that svelte athlete, the world's best dieter, and the most perfect person in the world.

All of which will last about two weeks.  A month if we are really dedicated.

Why do we think that a day on the calendar will make a difference in our lives?  It's just a day; isn't it?  Okay, it is a really good day to take stock of ourselves and commit to change what we don't like about us.  But shouldn't we be doing that every day? 

So every day is New Year's?  Boy will the alcohol industry be happy!

Yes, I need to change the way I eat, I need to exercise, I need to clean the living room.  But I don't need a special day to do that.

Besides who wants to go on  a diet?  We have discussed this before.  Why should I commit to an endeavor that has the word die in it?  Some one really needs to come up with a better word for it.  Live it?  That is much more fitting don't you think? 

Today is the day that I am going to start a live it!  Nah, doesn't work!  Anyone else have any ideas?


So go ahead, make a New Year's resolution. Let's all resolve to recommit to ourselves every day of the year!