The (almost) crushing blow!

It has been a very long week.  The weather has been kicking up migraines in such a streak that I barely seem to get a chance to breathe between them!  Mid-terms were this week and work has been unbelievably difficult.  I am used to all of this stuff, separately.  Putting them all together has sort of swamped me.

That is just the platform that I was working from.  I don't want it to seem like I am making excuses for what happened last night, I'm not.  I was just in a really bad place in my head!

I had to pick The Boy up from a school thing and he was hungry (no surprise there!).  We ran through a drive-thru and then stopped at the gas station so he could get his "Polar Pop".  As he was getting out of the car, I said "Get me a big candy bar, please.  And don't make any cracks!"  He did and I ate it and enjoyed the sweetness (until it made me a bit queasy.).  My charming son never said a word.


Fast forward to 4 AM:  I sat straight up out of a sound sleep and said "Did I really say that?!"  I sat there stunned for a bit.  In that moment, I felt entirely defeated.  I felt like I was back to where I started from, using food as an emotional balm.  How far have I fallen?

This morning Hubby and I were in the kitchen and I was nibbling on something that we had brought home from the restaurant we had breakfast at.  Hubby looked at me in a bit of shock and asked "Are you hungry?"  I froze in mid bite and said.  "No, but it is so good!"

He had a look of disappointment on hos face that was almost crushing.  He never looks at me like that!  Or maybe I was looking at myself and putting the condemnation I felt on him.  If that is so, it was terribly unfair.


The Boy has always been a fan of Eric Clapton and the song Crossroads (his omage to his musical hero Robert Johnson) has been running through my mind since I woke up at 4 this morning.

by Robert Johnson

I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
Asked the Lord above for mercy, "Save me if you please."

I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
Nobody seemed to know me, everybody passed me by.

I'm going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
I'm going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
You can still barrelhouse, baby, on the riverside.

You can run, you can run, tell my friend-boy Willie Brown.
You can run, you can run, tell my friend-boy Willie Brown.
And I'm standing at the crossroads, believe I'm sinking down. 




Here I stand at my own crossroads, I didn't sell my soul to the Devil, but Myron seems to have gotten his smarmy hands on me once again.  He did it slowly, carefully, and so quietly that I never noticed; until last night.

Here I am at my own crossroads.  One way is easy.  I get to eat what I want and do what I want.  Of course, I'll also die much earlier than I want.

The other way is long and difficult and will mean retracing much of the path I have already tread.

But you know what?  I have already broken the trail once.  There is a path to follow, that I know is already laid for me.  I survived it once, I can do so again.

I REALLY, REALLY HATE MYRON!!  

And I'm not very pleased with myself either!  I may be down, but I am never, never out!

Mr. Clapton, a little traveling music please . . . . .