Cycles

So, I've been having quite the pity party for myself lately.  I've been so overwhelmed with the new changes that I didn't even notice that I was sinking into depression.

I did figure out that I seem to have a bit of a cycle that I seem to be caught in.  It looks something like this:

No wonder I can't get anywhere.  I'm like a hamster on a wheel!  I need to find someway to shake myself out of this and figure out how to break the cycle.

I think a lot of the frustration is that I have now lost most of the foods that I love to eat.  (The only thing that seems to be left is ice cream!)  I've been looking at the situtation from that stand point; what I can't have, what I am no longer allowed to eat.

There must be a bright side to this.  There must be someway to look at this in a positive light!

That is my goal for tomorrow.  How to turn the negative into the positive!

All reads lead back to . . . .

Wonderful Hubby and I went to our appointment with the Dietitian and I have to say, I do feel a bit better.  This new situation may not be as bad as we first thought.  It may, in fact, be doable.

After coming home, I sat down and started researching gluten intolerance and diabetes.  Want to guess what came up first in the trusty search engine?  You got it;  Outsmart Diabetes (formerly known as the Dtour diet!).

Who would have thought that this new nightmare would have lead us back to our wonderful friend the Dtour diet?

So, it looks like I'm going back to the beginning and do some work to modify the Outsmart Diet (Dtour) to accommodate Gluten intolerance.

Back to the drawing board!

I know, it has been a very long time since I've posted.  Sorry about that.  I've been very sad.

I don't know why, I just have been.  Having real trouble getting into the Christmas swing too.  Although Charlie Brown was on, so Christmas must be here.



Tomorrow Hubby and I go to the Dietitian to figure out exactly what I can and cannot eat.  Maybe that is what has been making me so down.
 
Perhaps I'll have some better and happier news tomorrow.

But I have realized that not writing this blog makes me unhappy.  Weird!

Purple Food

The new eating regime is proving to be something of a hassle.  Yesterday I thought I'd make a seasonal favorite, creamy chicken and rice in the crock pot.  Sounds simple, right?

WRONG!!  The cream of mushroom soup that I have always used has flour in it (Third ingredient as a matter of fact).  Do did the bullion!  How do you make it without those two things??

Answer = you punt!  A little white wine, some cream cheese, and some chicken stock will do the trick.  All was well once again . . . until we came to the rice.

Normally I use brown rice.  I was out of brown rice.  I did have some very good black rice, so in the crock pot it went!

About two hours later I realized what I had done.  I gave the mixture a stir and all of a sudden the entire pot of food turned purple!  I'm not kidding it was purple!  I had to have been the black rice!

So for dinner last night we had purple creamy chicken and rice!  I tasted wonderful even if it looked weird.

Brown rice, accept no substitutes!

Masks

I haven't written in awhile and for that I apologize.  I have been doing some soul searching and trying to come to terms with my new situation.

I had finally come to terms with the Diabetes and now I have to adjust to Celiac's Disease and IBS on top of it.  My menu choices continue to disappear.

I have been trying to put on a happy face and solider on; which got me thinking about the faces we all put on.

We all wear masks and frankly, I'm beginning to wonder why.  Think about it.  Is anyone really buying my "I can adjust to this without a problem" attitude?  Does everyone think I am okay with everything that has been happening? 

If they don't buy it, why does no one call me on it?  I'm just wondering.  I have been feeling like a great big fake lately, which is probably why I haven't written.

I was thinking about his whole mask thing at work not to long ago.  I work with a bunch of people that I like and for the most part are good to be around.  However, the other day I saw somethings that I had never noticed before.

There was tension in the air and people were sniping about each other.  However, when the person they had been complaining about approached, suddenly everything was sunshine and roses.  There were smiles all around and nothing but positive and wonderful things were said. . . . until the person walked away.

I find this sort of behavior confusing and frustrating.  Doesn't that sort of deception take an awful lot of work?  Why can't they just say "I'm upset over what you did . . ."

No wonder women have eating disorders.  We eat our stress because we do not say what is on our minds.  We smile at people we really want to slap and we are nice to folks that we really would rather disappear from our lives.

I have been thinking about this for awhile and watching people around me.  I am totally fascinated by the entire process.  How do you know who you can trust and who you can't?

Does anyone have any chocolate handy??? 

Just thinking about all of this is making me crave sweets and chocolate!

Why can't we just be honest with each other?  If we were; how much weight would we lose?

Will Power

Hubby and I relaxed a bit this evening and watched a movie I had wanted to see when it was in the theater; The Green Lantern.

When I was a kid I used to read everything I could get my hands on.  But one of my favorites was comic books.  There was nothing better than climbing up a tree and spending the afternoon lost in a comic book!  Those were wonderful days!

The Green Lantern was my favorite because of how he became a super hero.  He was chosen by a ring created by a race of immortal beings.  The rings were green because green was the color of will, the most powerful thing in the universe.  The Green Lantern could make anything he could think of.  That's why I thought he was so cool.  He wasn't born on a special planet which imbued him with special powers.  He was  a guy who faced his fears and used his will to defeat his enemies.  Who wouldn't love that!

Watching the movie tonight reminded me of the power that comes from our strength of will.

I am facing a new battle and for the last couple of weeks, I think I have been letting it get to me.  Diabetes, Celiac's and IBS, is  a heck of a trio to face, but it can't be impossible!  I just have to change may attitude and come up with a new meal plan!

If the Green Lantern can defeat Prilax, I can defeat my little trio of trouble makers!  Right?

Right!  If it can be done, I'm the person to do it!!

Let the experiments begin!

I am determined not to be defeated by this latest diet blow.  Celiac's and IBS.  I guess it's a good thing I like water!

Not happy with that attitude, I have been pursuing my collection of recipes to see what I can still eat, what I might need to modify to eat and what is permanently out he window. 

Wonderful hubby brought home a gluten free bread mix last night.  One of my most favorite things has always been bread.  So the gluten free diet is a huge blow.  Hubby thought if I found a mix that worked well, I could still have something resembling my favorite treat.

So this afternoon I fired up the bread machine and got to work.  The dough looked and smelled good, even the house started to smell of warm fresh baked bread.  Which on a rainy cold day is perfect!  I was excited when the timer went off and rushed into the kitchen to see how it had come out.  It smelled heavenly!

I dumped it out onto a cutting board, and too anxious to wait for it to cool, cut a piece off the end and slathered it with butter.  My mouth was watering that the very idea of fresh warm bread!  I bit into . . .plaster dust!!  At least that is what it reminded me of!

It was horrible!  Who would advertise plaster as bread?  I mean really, who does that?!!!  It was so bad I couldn't even swallow what I had bitten off!  I spit it into the trash and followed it with the entire loaf of  . . .  whatever it was!

I guess it's back to the drawing board!

Burrito night . . .saved!

The war between my body and my self is at an end.  I lost.  (I really, really hate that!!)

I now am off gluten.  Which wipes out virtually all of my sweet treats!  Wipes out bread too!  Do you know that Campbell's puts gluten in their tomato soup?  Who does that?!

I have one more test set up for Tuesday but as of now it has been called at Celiac's and I have lost all gluten from my diet.  It was weird how fast I began to get better once we eliminated it!


My big worry was burrito night.  I know it sounds strange but that is a weekly staple around here and none of us wanted to give it up!  How exactly do you make burritos without a flour tortilla?  True we could use corn tortillas, but they are too small and The Boy is not really fond of them.

Not to worry though, I found a book.  Of course I found a book!  I can find a book on virtually anything I need to learn!  I found a cookbook that had a recipe for gluten free tortillas!  Yes, I am now making my own tortillas!

They were the best burritos ever!  I cannot believe how much difference the homemade tortilla made!  Hubby was in burrito heaven.  The Boy was working, but we saved one for him.

I can change anything I have to change to get well and back to work.  But it is a relief to know that some of our family traditions (no matter how silly) do not have to be abandoned, just adapted!

My body better be done with it's little war though, otherwise I'll be reduced to bread and water.  Oh wait!  No more bread.

I'll be reduced to just water??

Green Goddess

I have been playing with the juicer, since I seem to be able to keep that down.  I followed the directions for a juice called Green Goddess.  I figured that had to taste pretty good, right?  I  mean, c'mon they named it Goddess, how bad could it be?

It was the worst thing ever!  It had broccoli in it!  You would have thought that I caught onto that when I was putting the broccoli in the juicer, but alas, I didn't.  Oh my gosh!  It was one of the worst things ever!  It all got dumped right down the drain!

Green Goddess?  I think not!  Green Grossness is more like it!  That one has been permanently marked off the menu!

Trial and error, that is the best way to learn!

Stop the train. I want off!

I realized something today.  I am going into another depression.  I hate the very thought of it.  I've been sitting here feeling sorry for myself again today.  I had a migraine which kept me in a dark room for most of the day, but that is not all of it. 

I need to get out of this quickly.  I think this is the first time that I ever realized it was actually happening.  That means that this is the first time I can put a stop to it before it goes any further.

First I need a plan to get back to work.  If I can keep food down for another couple of days, I think I should be able to talk the doctor into letting me go back next week.  Then I need to get to work.  Actually first, I need to get downstairs.  I've been pretty much confining myself to  my bedroom, which I don't think is helping anything.  I need to at least go downstairs.

Maybe I can even make it outside for a bit.  I do have a nice porch that I could sit on for awhile.


I need a plan.  When I'm depressed, I eat.  Need a plan!

What to do, what to do?? The answer is with me.

If you can't go around it, over it under it or through it, how do you get by it?

Answer:  You figure out a way to work with it.

It seems like an obvious answer, but it has taken me awhile to figure out.

I've been sick for about six or seven weeks now.  No one seems to be able to tell me what is wrong.  They have or are running every test in the book.  I have had cameras stuck everywhere while the Doctor's are trying to figure out what is wrong.  So far they have come up with nothing except more tests to run.

The way I understand it, if they find nothing out from the tests then a diagnosis will be made from three possibilities.

1. Celiac Disease
2. Chrone's Disease
3. IBS - irritable bowel syndrome

All of which sound absolutely lovely!  By the by, who came up with Chrone's?  What an awful name.  It would make one feel like a little old crabby lady!  Especially if you happen to be male.

So why should I wait around for the Doctors to finish poking and prodding?  I can take action myself.  I've been doing a little reading already, but now is the time to dive in!

If I can come up with a workable eating plan (that I can keep down), I may be able to get to work in another week or so.  I just need to make sure that I can tolerate what I eat.

It will mean a different lifestyle, but we are used to that around here.  We've been changing our lifestyle for the past couple of years, what is one or two more changes?

I have also decided that my body has a problem with the prefix "glu"  as in glucose, and gluten.  My body seems determined to reject sugar and gluten products.  Okay, I can figure out how to work with it!

I am going into full on research  mode today!  I'm tired of sitting around!

I can't go through it, over it, under it, or around it, so I will figure out a way to work with it!!

The joke is on me

Okay,  I have been making a joke that my body is rebelling.  I realized something today, it's no joke!  First it was migraines.  Then it was Diabetes.  Now, we seem to have this total rejection of all food thing going on.  You think that my body is trying to tell me something that I am not getting?

Yeah, I think so too!  The upside is that I took my measurements today and I have lost a total of 18" (once all the different measurements were tallied up.)

It's one thing when your husband or child ignores what you have to say.   It's an entirely different story when your own body turns on you!  Okay, I haven't treated it as kindly as I could have; does it have to punish me for the rest of my life??

Okay, tantrum over. 

I'm getting into a new mindset here.  I just need to make another adjustment.  I got rid of sugar, caffeine, and ice cream; how bad could losing gluten be?  Pretty soon I'll be down to water! 

Okay, the research continues!

I'm Over it!

Okay, spent a couple of days having a fine pity party for myself.  I'm over it.  Whining has always irritated me, especially when I am the one doing the whining!  It really doesn't serve much of a purpose, except to make you feel worse!

I had to withdraw from school for the term, which really threw me for a bit.  Then The Boy came up with multiple reasons that this whole stupid situation could be looked at as a good thing.  If he can find a bright side, then so can I!

I will admit, I am getting lots of research done.  I have been watching lots of food related documentaries and shows about weight loss.  I have not been watching Biggest Loser.  Somehow, I have trouble seeing a weight loss journey as a competition.  It is far too personal a thing.

I have now lost 22 pounds since Sept. 5th.  This is a positive as well.  It is really easy to lose the weight when you have a trampoline stomach.

I have been drinking some green juice fresh from a juicer and am trying to look on this as sort of a juice fast.  The juice does stay down pretty well and it really doesn't taste that bad!

I also am under the constant care of my two kitty nurses.  At least one of our two cats is always with me.  I am beginning to think that they are taking shifts!

See, this situation is not so bad as I first thought.  I am trying to make the best of it!

Devistated

I did something today that scares the life out of me.  I had to withdraw from all my classes today.

I had been doing a lot of the work at home as getting to class right now is near impossible.  But on the advice of the Doctor, my friends and family, today I officially withdrew from classes for the term.

Why does this scare me?  The last time I withdrew, I didn't go back for 20 years!  I really do not want to go through that again.

I am trying to look on the bright side of things, but at the moment it is hard to do even that.  Though the near 20 lb weight loss is a good thing!

More tests are scheduled for Friday, I am beginning to think they are grasping at straws.  i just need them to find the right straw so I can get my life back.

Few things are as rare and precious as a true friend

My wonderful best friend came to see me today.  We talk nightly by phone but due to schedules, we don't see each other as much as we both would like.

Today's conversation took a particularly serious turn.  She has been concerned about me for quite some time and when we started talking today, she aired her thoughts.

We discussed my addiction to food and my sometimes obsession with the scale.  She is probably the only one on the planet who could have that discussion with me and not have me in tears or in a screaming temper.

She knew there was a good chance that I would not react favorably to the topic, but she was prepared to let me know her concerns and fears for me in those areas.  We also discussed my self-esteem.  (Seriously she is the ONLY one who I could calmly discuss these things with.)

I love her all the more because she broached these touchy subjects with me.  She loves me and is concerned.  So concerned that she was willing to risk damaging our relationship.

She need not have worried.  I had been thinking all the things that she was voicing, but until today I was not able to really take them out and examine them.

The conversation was quiet and really productive (at least for me).  I have many more things to think and work through, but I know that if I need someone to talk to about it, she will be right there to help me.

A true and loving friend will sit down and tell you the honest truth about yourself, whether you want to hear it or not.  I am so blessed to have her in my life!

Confirmation

When my weight loss slowed to a crawl and then the weight began to come back on, I had many doubts about the new path that I had chosen to tread.  My mind has been changed.

Friday I had an Upper GI Endoscopy.   The Doctor's are still trying to figure out why I can not keep food down.  (Upside to this is I am down 19 pounds since September 5th!)  So the answer was for them to send a camera down into my stomach and find out.


Even before the test began, the specialist, Dr. Webb talked with me about an autoimmune disease called Celiac Disease.

Celiac (SEE-lee-ak) disease is a digestive condition triggered by consumption of the protein gluten, which is primarily found in bread, pasta, cookies, pizza crust and many other foods containing wheat, barley or rye. People with celiac disease who eat foods containing gluten experience an immune reaction in their small intestines, causing damage to the inner surface of the small intestine and an inability to absorb certain nutrients.
Celiac disease can cause abdominal pain and diarrhea. Eventually, the decreased absorption of nutrients (malabsorption) that occurs with celiac disease can cause vitamin deficiencies that deprive your brain, peripheral nervous system, bones, liver and other organs of vital nourishment.
No treatment can cure celiac disease. However, you can effectively manage celiac disease by changing your diet.

~ Mayo Clinic Staff

From the Mayo Clinic site (www.mayoclinic.com)

Of course, as soon as I was coherent, I began to "Bing" and "Google" Celiac Disease  The symptom list contained almost every one of my symptoms.  Which only proved what I have been thinking for quite some time:  My body has declared war on me!  And it is winning!

The complications from this Disease are horrifying:

Left untreated, celiac disease can lead to several complications:

• Malnutrition. Untreated celiac disease can lead to malabsorption, which in turn can lead to malnutrition. This occurs in spite of what appears to be an adequate diet. Because vital nutrients are lost in the stool rather than absorbed in the bloodstream, malabsorption can cause a deficiency in vitamins and minerals, vitamin D, folate and iron, resulting in anemia and weight loss. Malnutrition can cause stunted growth and delayed development in children.
• Loss of calcium and bone density. With continued loss of fat in the stool, calcium and vitamin D may be lost in excessive amounts. This may result in osteomalacia, a softening of the bone that in children is also known as rickets, and loss of bone density (osteoporosis), a condition that leaves your bones fragile and prone to fracture.
• Lactose intolerance. Because of damage to your small intestine from gluten, foods that don't contain gluten also may cause abdominal pain and diarrhea. Some people with celiac disease aren't able to tolerate milk sugar (lactose) found in dairy products, a condition called lactose intolerance. If this is the case, you need to limit food and beverages containing lactose as well as those containing gluten. Once your intestine has healed, you may be able to tolerate dairy products again. However, some people may continue to experience lactose intolerance despite successful management of celiac disease.
• Cancer. People with celiac disease who don't maintain a gluten-free diet also have a greater chance of getting one of several forms of cancer, including intestinal lymphoma and bowel cancer.
• Neurological complications. Celiac disease has also been associated with disorders of the nervous system, including seizures and nerve damage (peripheral neuropathy).

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?  We are now waiting on the results of a biospy and blood tests that were taken.  However, I am into research mode and will be prepared for the follow up appointment.

So far, this whole horrid situation, has served to remind me that I am on the correct new path.  The only real way to treat Celiac Disease is with  . . . you go it, a change in Diet!

It is more important now that  complete my education in my new chosen field of Dietetics!  This thing may have me down at the moment, but I am far from out of the fight.  I'm just getting my second wind!

Dichotomy

di·chot·o·my

division into two mutually exclusive, opposed, or contradictory groups: a dichotomy between thought and action.

Why am I starting today's post with a definition?   Let me explain . . .

In my ongoing research I was watching the movie Super Size me.  If you haven't seen it, you should.

Here's the thing.  Our society continues to push more, more, more.  More fries in that box.  More soda in the cup, a larger piece of meat on the plate.  We are always pushed for more.  Seriously, do we need a box of fries that is bigger than your face?  

As a matter of fact, that should be a criteria:  Don't eat it if the container it is served in is bigger than your head!

Here is where the dichotomy comes in.  While we are pushing more, more, more food, we are also told, being overweight (or even normal size) is wrong, bad, and we should be shot if we can not fit into a size 0 outfit.

Here eat all this food, but you will be ostracized if you get too big.  No wonder there are so many gyms, we are not only trying to maintain that size 0, but we have to have somewhere to vent all the frustration?

How did this happen?  Who decides all this stuff.  We are a nation of over weight people because the food industry, the media and even the mom and pop places keep telling us we need to eat more.  Really, who needs a pancake that is bigger than a large dinner plate?  Do you really need a half gallon of soda for lunch?  And if you drink that half gallon of soda, does your boss care if you are spending all afternoon in the restroom?

No wonder so many of us are on anxiety and depression meds!  You have to be crazy to exist in our today's society!

Journey

I have been watching this really interesting show called Ruby.  I know I have mentioned this before, but I really identify with this woman.  I see my struggle in her story and it  . . . . reassures me (I guess), to know that i am not the only one on this path.

With Netflix, I have been able to follow her venture from the beginning to where she is now.  (4 seasons to date)  What I am seeing is so familiar to what I have experienced.  It's not about the weight.  The first couple of seasons have been focusing on the 'mechanics' of weight loss, the diet, the doctor's, the trainers.

However, as the season's progress you see a subtle shift in the show.  By season three and four it is less about the mechanics and more about Ruby's struggle to understand the underlying reasons that caused the weight gain in the first place.  For this wonderful woman, it's about what happened to her in her childhood.  She doesn't remember her childhood at all.  Obviously something traumatic happened, but she does not know what.

I have found the same thing.  It is less about the weight and more about what was the cause of the weight gain.  I have discovered that I am my own worst enemy.  I have always had a self-esteem issue.  I am really not sure why.  It didn't come from my parents, or my family.

My parents and my brother loved and adored me. (Okay, big brother did not adore pesky little sister, but you get the idea!)  I was the one who never felt like I lived up to self-imposed expectations.  No one ever called me stupid, but that was the way I have always felt.  The stupid person in a family of very smart people.

As a matter of fact, I remember mom and dad going to great lengths to let me know how smart I really was.  For example, I remember being told that I was far too smart to have done such a stupid thing.  Or, my personal favorite:  "Katie you are an intelligent young lady.  Your actions, however, were less than well thought out!"

Yet, somehow through all of that, I thought I was stupid, nasty, and completely without talent.

I'm working on that.  I know school has helped me, but also with with every pound that comes off, I feel more and more empowered.


This journey is about losing the weight.  But ultimately it's about so much more.  It's about discovering why the weight came on in the first place.

That fight is so much more difficult, and so much more important!

Upside of being sick . . .

So, as most of you are aware, I have been sick with some weird stomach thing that no one can seem to find.  I went to a specialist today and am scheduled for more tests.  I hate tests!!  I think I hate medical tests more than Algebra tests!  (I always thought nothing was worse than an Algebra test!)

 I have also been very diligent about keeping my food log.  That has also had an unexpected benefit.  Whenever someone asks me what I have been eating, I just hand over the food log!  I even marked what meals stayed down and which ones didn't!

Here is the upside.  Last week I lost 10 pounds!!!  Yea!  Being so sick is not all bad!  Although there are other ways that I would rather lose the weight.

While I have been laid up, I have been trying to be as productive as I can.  I have been doing some more research on my  favorite topic, diet and nutrition.  I have found some really interesting documentaries.  Two in particular stand out.

Forks over Knives really has me psyched.  It is about the careers of the two men who did the China Study.  That is the book that really got me excited about pursuing Diet and nutrition as a career!  This video is just as fascinating as the the China Study! 

Wonderful hubby watched it with me last night and for lunch today he had a salad!!!  Yea hubby!!!  Hehehe . . . another convert for me!!

The other video is about a gentleman from Australia who goes on a juice fast.  It is called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead .  This one is a little more controversial, but I think it is interesting.  I am going to be doing some more research on this topic.  I found this one totally enjoyable and quite funny!  Mr. Cross has a way of getting a serious point across with wit and laughter.  I like that!


As much as I am enjoying this research and what-not, I am TIRED OF FEELING HORRIBLE ALL THE TIME!!!!  I just want them to fix me!!!

Check out the videos!!

So, here I sit . . .

I have been having some medical issues lately.  Right now, I am pretty much confined to my bed until I can go see a specialist on Monday.  I am in a tremendous amount of pain and when I move around too much I throw up whatever food I have managed to get into my stomach.

I am beginning to think that somewhere along the line I swallowed a trampoline!  Food (or drink) goes down, hits the trampoline and  . . . Up it comes again!!!

I have heard of drastic weight loss plans before, but this is ridiculous!!

Instead of whining about it (there isn't anyone here to listen to it most of the time anyway) I decided to do something constructive.

I am diving back into some of my books that got me so excited about dietetics and nutrition in the first place.  I have been rereading parts of The China Study, online research, and even watching some programs regarding people who have a significant amount of weight to lose.

I found a couple of really good programs on Netflix. (What did we do before netflix??)  One of them is a program called Heavy that A&E sponsors, another is this wonderful new program on Oprah's network Addicted to Food.  Then there is my current favorite, Ruby!

Ruby is a woman who started out at 716 pounds.  Her doctor sat her down and gave her the "Change your lifestyle or die" lecture.  She took it to heart and assembled this team of people to help her.  In the last episode I saw she was down to 332 lbs!  She is amazing!  You get to see her struggles, set backs, triumphs and achievements!  They don't sugar coat her journey at all, it is honest and heartfelt.

I am compiling all this information in my head and letting it sit there an percolate for awhile.  I'm sure some interesting things will come out of this.  I may be down, but I am no where's near out of the game yet.  I'm just getting my second wind.

The 2x4

I tend to be a bit stubborn (shocking, right?).  My dad used to say that I had to be hit upside the head with a 2x4 before someone could get my attention.  (Okay, he never really did it, but you get the general idea).

I am home right now, where I have been for a week, with gallbladder problems.  Apparently it is not working properly, if at all.  There is also some concern regarding my pancreas.

I was sitting here this morning feeling sorry for myself it dawned on me that I am slowly destroying myself.  I am physically destroying myself.  That is just so wrong on so many levels!!


If I don't start taking care of myself, my boys are going to be picking out a casket before too long!  That is the very last thing that I want to happen. 

The boy always talks about the day he receives the Nobel Peace Prize.  I have no doubt that he will.  He is a young man who sets a goal, maps out a plan of action, and achieves that goal.  I don't want to miss that, I don't want to miss a single day with this wonderful, beautiful young man.

Then there is my amazing husband.  We are a year away from it being just the two of us.  We have never had that.  We met and married in 6 weeks and The Boy came along a short time after.  When our son leaves for school, hubby and I will finally have 'out time' together.  I don't want to miss that!

I use humor to mask what is really happening to me, I make light of situations that seem too overwhelming for me to handle.  Guess what; I can't joke my way out of this situation anymore.  Will I still use humor?  Of course, I just need to learn to use humor to deal with what is happening, not hide it.

I contacted the recreation center at school today to see if I can get some guidance from a personal trainer and get a exercise routine that I can stick with.  No more screwing around, I NEED to do this.

I have been stuck in quicksand with my weight loss for the last few months.  Today I am grabbing onto the rope and pulling myself out.

U Bit it, U write it!!

Okay, I have an idea to get my self back on track.  The 'great cookie incident' freaked me out more than I thought it had.

I am going to start a food journal.  I have always hated to keep a food journal, but the cookies taught me that I have no idea what I am putting down my throat!  Not only that, I think I have let my portions get out of hand as well.

I have been watching this program called Ruby.  Yes, I have come late to the party where this program is concerned, but thanks to Netflix, I am up to the fourth season.

This is  a truly inspirational woman.  At her highest weight, she was 716 pounds.  She is now in the lower 300s ( I am hoping she is lower than that by the end of the 4th season!)

Ruby has this wonderful counselor  who gave her some wonderful advice that I think I am going to borrow.  Ruby had gotten stuck, and was on a plateau where her weight was concerned.  The counselor suggested that Ruby find five things, small things, that she could change in her environment to sort of 'shake things up'.

I am going to take that advice and see if I can find 5 things.  Here is what I have so far:

1. Keep a food/exercise/glucose journal.
2. Measure everything I eat.
3. Test blood sugar 3x per day (like I'm supposed to)
4. Exercise, exercise, exercise (No matter how much I hate it!!!)
5. Plan and prepare my meals so I'm set for school and band stuff!

Those are the five things that I that I think I can do to help myself out.  I think that the journal is important because it will keep me accountable to myself.  If I notate everything that I eat I have a record with which to hold myself accountable.  My new motto is going to be"U bite it, U write it"!

But, what exactly do you write down in a food journal?  I turned to one of my favorite sites Diabeticliving.com  they always have the best ideas!  Sure enough, they had an entire slide show on journaling:   Why Journaling Can Help.

 According to the article, are six diabetes-related questions a food journal can help to answer:

• Am I eating healthfully?
• Am I eating consistently?
• How does eating affect my blood sugar?
• Are my medications working?
• How does exercise affect my blood sugar?
• Do I eat more when I'm upset, happy, bored, or sad?

The No. 1 rule of keeping a food journal: Be honest. Do it well or not at all. That mantra has merit when it comes to food journals. Remember that when keeping a journal, you're doing it for you -- not to please your dietitian or doctor. Be honest when filling it out. Don't say you ate a burger when you really had a cheeseburger or wheat bread when you had white.

That maybe hard for me, as I have discovered that where food is concerned,  I am not honest with others,  much less myself.  This could be a real test for me.

Right now, though, all this has to take a backseat to what is happening to me physically.  I have been sent to the ER twice in the last week for what apparently, is a gallbladder issue.  We don't quite know what is happening yet, we are waiting on some tests to come back.   But it looks as though, I may have to add a gallbladder diet on top of the diabetic diet.

I'm telling you, if this keeps up, I will not be able to eat anything!!

Off I go . . . to write in my new journal!!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN . . .

While putting a salad together for a healthy, on plan lunch, you look down and realize you are holding the second of two chocolate chip cookies.  The first of which has already been devoured!  How did that happen?  How could I have opened the cookie tin, grabbed the cookies and eaten a cookie with no comprehension of what I was doing?!  Wow, I'm sure glad that there wasn't any cake in the house!!

I guess I am more obsessed with food than I realized!  If I was an alcoholic or a smoker I could just go cold turkey.  Maybe that would work, cold turkey on food.  Wait . . . that won't work, if I don't eat I die, and that is what we are trying to avoid!

I threw the cookie away and got back to my salad.  While I was doing that my mind started racing with thoughts of condemnation, and very negative thoughts about myself!!!

Then I remembered my class.  I am sabotaging myself with negative self talk!  That will not due.  I am not a failure, nor am I stupid and useless!

I am strong, confidant, and I am able to do this!

Yes, the scale has creeped along, unfortunately it's been creeping in the wrong direction! What I choose to do now is what is important.

Growing up, I was taught that you don't quit.  When the going gets tough you take a deep breath and push on through.  Now is the time to push.

I need to conquer the Exercise beast!  I'm not sure how yet, but I am ready to try again!


Deep breath.  Ready . . .set . . . go!

Idea

So, I'm done feeling sorry for myself.  It was quite the little wallow I had!  Glad to be over it and to get back to business.

I do better with goals.  (Doesn't everybody?)  So, I set myself a goal.


Our anniversary is in early November.  I am planning something for that event.  I can not tell you all what exactly it is (Hubby reads the blog and I don't want to give anything away!)


So, if you want to know what the new goal is, send me an email or send me a message on Facebook and I will tell you what my plan is. . . Trust me, it's a good one!!

I am blessed to have such a wonderful man to spend my life with.  He is my rock and the love of my life.  What better motivation do I need? 

The boy is in on the secret and he will be helping to keep me accountable.

I'm inspired and re-energized!  Yes, my dad had a heart-attack when he was my age.  That doesn't mean I have to!!

Terror

I am the same age as my father was when he had his first heart attack.

How does one process that bit of information?

A love letter to my boys . . .

My dearest boys,

You have both worked so hard and been so supportive of me in the last year or so that I have been on this journey.  I couldn’t ask for a better support system than the two of you.

I feel like I have let you down.  Somewhere along the line, with school, work, and all of the other things going on; I lost track of what was important, our family.  We started on this journey to ensure that all three of us would be along for a very long time.  I need to put my runaway train back on the rails.

That said, I am making you the following promises:

1.   No more ice cream

2.   No fast food

3.   Proper meal planning

4.   Exercise

Yes, you read it correctly, I am swearing off ice cream.  Does that prove how serious I am?

I want to see my grandchildren (Which won’t be for quite some time!).  I want to walk in the woods with my husband, and watch my son embark on his own epic journey.

I am sorry that I have let us all down.  It won’t happen again.

All my love,

Katie/Mom

Confessions - aren't they good for the soul???

Okay, I've been a very, very bad blogger.  I am sorry for that.  There have been some things going on and I think I am only just beginning to get my head wrapped around them.

The class I took this summer on Stress really freaked me out!  I had no idea I had been operating under so much stress.  We took a stress survey and my scores were almost off the charts!  It scared me.

Then, as I read more, and listened to lectures in class, a part of my brain started to whisper quietly to me.  It probably would have been shouting, but the rest of me wasn't ready to listen yet.

I have come to the determination that I am, once again, depressed.  Not just "Oh man, I gained some weight." depressed, but real, honest to goodness, curl up in a corner and hide depressed.  I have no energy, no spark, and really no real incentive to move forward with things right now.  I have been in this place many times in my life and usually I have someone around to kick me in the hiney and push me out of it.

This time, I came to the realization on my own.  Yup, here I am again, covers over my head, pull down the shades and disappear.  Not cool.

Realizing what is happening is one thing.  Doing something about it is another.  Somehow, I have to dig down and find that little spark.  If I find it I can persuade it to ignite, but I am having some trouble finding it.

I know I sound whiny, and I do apologize.  But I promised at the onset to put everything down, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Believe me, I feel pretty ugly at the moment!

Then the other night, I had heartburn.  My chest got tight and sort of burned.  I thought for a moment that I was having a heart attack!  If nothing else was going to give me incentive to get motivated again, the terror of that moment did.

So, I know what I have to do, now I just have to figure out how to do it.

Sabbatical over!

Miss me?  I apologize for not posting in so long, but I have been through something life changing and I think it has taken me a little bit to process it.

After the class I took earlier in the summer, I decided to take another of the classes in the Holistic program.  This was a two week Intensive class on Holistic approaches to Stress.  I thought the "intensive" part was because the 13 week class had been compressed into two weeks.  Oh how wrong I was!

This course took my perceptions of stress, and of myself and turned them upside down!


First thing I took from the class:  You create your own stress.  Think about that.  We create our own stress.  It is a simple sentence, but there is so much meaning in those few words.  There are personality traits that make one person more prone to stress than others, but deep down, the truth of the matter is that we create our own stress.

During the course we took a Stress Evaluation Survey.  My results were so high that it actually scared me!  I can't keep walking around like this.  I have to do something.


We were taught different ways to relax and overcome stress.  Meditation is one way that we tried and it seems to be working for me.

I have much more I want to say on the matter, but I have run out of time for now.  Check back for another post this evening!

A wonderful feeling

I have been very frustrated and discouraged lately, but something happened yesterday that put things back into perspective.

The class that I took last term was in the Holistic Department.  The school I am attending actually has a Holistic Health Minor.  I have to tell you that I have never taken a class that affected me so much!  It was amazing!  Each and every class session I found something that I could apply to my future career as well as my daily life.

Yesterday, I sat down and talked to the instructor about taking the Holistic Minor. He seemed almost as excited about it as I was.  How could anything be more perfect?  A Dietitian with a Holistic Minor, it is the perfect combination!  After all, Diabetes isn't just about diet and blood testing.  It impacts every aspect of your life.

I will be able to help so many people in a very real way!

This journey of mine has been very long and discouraging lately, but yesterday I saw a very bright light at the end of the road!

The New Experiment

Okay, I have done some crazy things in the last year and a half.  I have done 2 - 5Ks, tried all manner of exercise and even gotten off all caffeine.  But this new venture may just do us all in.  We are going Vegan!  (I think).

There is new research out regarding eating plans for People With Diabetes.

Dr. Neal Barnard has a book out called

Dr. Neal Barnard's Program for Reversing Diabetes 

The kicker is that the eating plan is Vegan.  Not just Vegetarian, Vegan! 

Vegan means no animal products.  That means no dairy, no eggs, and lots and lots of legumes, more commonly known as beans! 

The problem is that I don't like beans!  That is a mild term for my relationship with beans.  I like hummus, and hummus is created from garbanzo beans, but the beans and hummus are smushed beans and no longer look like beans.  I think it's a psychological thing.

This could be like the no more caffeine experiment.  I don't know though, no dairy means no cheese!  I don't know if I can survive without cheese!  Cheese is its own food group!

First step in this plan?  Buy the book.  As soon as I get paid this week we are off to Barnes and Noble to purchase our copy and then, if we like what we read, the experiment is on!!

 

A Hooping Good Time!!

Last night, in a show of incredible love and support, hubby went to hooping class with me.  There he was with a bunch of crazy women, in the rain and he, being the wonderful man he was, picked up a hoop and joined in!

I am the luckiest woman in the world!  No matter what crazy thing I come up with he is right there with me, every step of the way!

We all had such a good time that he is getting his own hoop.  For some reason he doesn't want to use my pink and red hoop.  Can you believe that?  I can't wait to see what his hoop ends up looking like.

I have had such a hard time finding some exercise that I thought I could really keep up with and do on a consistent basis.

Hooping is awesome!  It makes you feel like you are a little kid playing out in the sun again!  I can't wait until we start dancing!

This is my hoop.  It has been named bubblegum.  I think it is a fitting name!!

Romance Novels - what are they really telling us??

I love Romance Novels!  I know that makes me a hopeless romantic, but there you are.  They are an easy read, they always end happily and no matter what troubles arise, the hero and heroine always win in the end.

All is well, right?  Well . . I noticed something recently that I had never really thought of before.  When was the last time you read a romance novel that had an average sized or overweight heroine?  Ever read one with a hero with a receding hairline or the beginning of a beer gut?

What is up with that?  Can only "Pretty People" find mushy romantic love?  What do the rest of us get?

I've been giving this some thought recently.  Romance novels are predominately written by women, their major readership is women.  Does that mean that we are perpetuating our own sterotypes?  Why would we do that?



What would be the problem is the heroine was a size 12, and worked in an office somewhere?  Wouldn't more of us be able to identify with that woman a bit better?  Because really, how many women are really svelte, beautiful, and rich? 

Can't 'real women' have a "Sweep you off your feet" romance?

Marilyn Monroe was a size 12.  Do we really think that she wasn't beautiful?  Men pined after her!  Heck, men still pine for her.

These are the thoughts that stir in my brain at 3:00 AM.  But seriously wouldn't you read a romance with a 'real' couple?

The New (Old) Plan

Research is done.  I have checked every possibility that I can think of.  Guess where I ended up?  Right Back at the beginning!  That's right.  A week of searching and reading everything I could find on the Internet and in my books I have arrived back to Out Smart Diabetes (formerly known as the Dtour diet.


That is correct, I have come full circle.  I have arrived back at the beginning of my journey.  Normally this would lead to frustration.  Not this time.  This is a life long journey, not a quick trip.

So, this evening, when I get home, I will be logging back in to the Out Smart Diabetes site and working on a menu for the week!!

New Plan

What do you do when you are so frustrated and confused that you don't know which way is up?  That is sort of where I stand at the moment.

I know I haven't posted in awhile.  I have been so confused and frustrated I didn't know what to say!  I feel like such a failure at the moment.  Lowest point?  Looking at the photo of The Boy and myself that we took during his college visit this week.  I look like a short, round, whale!  I look terrible!!!

New plan is needed.  Another new plan.  I am getting tired of new plans.  Now, I just want a plan to that will work!  My wonderful roll seems to have run into a cliff.  A freaking Cliff!!

Anyone feel like climbing?  **Heavy Sign**  I guess it is time to suit up.

The Weight Watchers thing isn't working.  I need to come up with something else that will work.  

I'm whining, I know.  I do apologize I hate whining.

This is me, going off in search of a new plan . . . .

Hooping good time!!

My friend Arlene went with me this evening to pick up our hoops and have our first mini lesson.  It is sooo much fun!  I can not believe how good it makes me feel!

You get this bizarre sense of accomplishment when you finally figure out how to move to keep the hoop going!  I felt like I was five years old again out in the front yard with my little pink hoop!

Oddly enough, my new hoop is pink too!  Pink, red, and purple.  It is so cool!!

I can't wait for my first class!  And in the mean time, I can put some tunes on and groove here at home!!

Stupid Scale!!!

Okay, my new scale is broken as well!  What is the problem?  I get a scale, it works really well for a couple of weeks and then BOOM! the dumb thing stops working!

Maybe it's operator error.  Nah, that couldn't possibly be it.  I know, it is the new eating plan.  I have gained three more pounds since starting Weight Watchers.

I'm supposed to be "Watching" my weight, but it is going the wrong direction!  I don't want to watch it go up!  We already know it can do that. 

I would much rather watch it go down.

But really, the only one to blame, is me.

I hate that even more!

The (almost) crushing blow!

It has been a very long week.  The weather has been kicking up migraines in such a streak that I barely seem to get a chance to breathe between them!  Mid-terms were this week and work has been unbelievably difficult.  I am used to all of this stuff, separately.  Putting them all together has sort of swamped me.

That is just the platform that I was working from.  I don't want it to seem like I am making excuses for what happened last night, I'm not.  I was just in a really bad place in my head!

I had to pick The Boy up from a school thing and he was hungry (no surprise there!).  We ran through a drive-thru and then stopped at the gas station so he could get his "Polar Pop".  As he was getting out of the car, I said "Get me a big candy bar, please.  And don't make any cracks!"  He did and I ate it and enjoyed the sweetness (until it made me a bit queasy.).  My charming son never said a word.


Fast forward to 4 AM:  I sat straight up out of a sound sleep and said "Did I really say that?!"  I sat there stunned for a bit.  In that moment, I felt entirely defeated.  I felt like I was back to where I started from, using food as an emotional balm.  How far have I fallen?

This morning Hubby and I were in the kitchen and I was nibbling on something that we had brought home from the restaurant we had breakfast at.  Hubby looked at me in a bit of shock and asked "Are you hungry?"  I froze in mid bite and said.  "No, but it is so good!"

He had a look of disappointment on hos face that was almost crushing.  He never looks at me like that!  Or maybe I was looking at myself and putting the condemnation I felt on him.  If that is so, it was terribly unfair.


The Boy has always been a fan of Eric Clapton and the song Crossroads (his omage to his musical hero Robert Johnson) has been running through my mind since I woke up at 4 this morning.

by Robert Johnson

I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
Asked the Lord above for mercy, "Save me if you please."

I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
Nobody seemed to know me, everybody passed me by.

I'm going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
I'm going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
You can still barrelhouse, baby, on the riverside.

You can run, you can run, tell my friend-boy Willie Brown.
You can run, you can run, tell my friend-boy Willie Brown.
And I'm standing at the crossroads, believe I'm sinking down. 




Here I stand at my own crossroads, I didn't sell my soul to the Devil, but Myron seems to have gotten his smarmy hands on me once again.  He did it slowly, carefully, and so quietly that I never noticed; until last night.

Here I am at my own crossroads.  One way is easy.  I get to eat what I want and do what I want.  Of course, I'll also die much earlier than I want.

The other way is long and difficult and will mean retracing much of the path I have already tread.

But you know what?  I have already broken the trail once.  There is a path to follow, that I know is already laid for me.  I survived it once, I can do so again.

I REALLY, REALLY HATE MYRON!!  

And I'm not very pleased with myself either!  I may be down, but I am never, never out!

Mr. Clapton, a little traveling music please . . . . .

The Great Muffin Catastrophy!

Alright, so because I can no longer have my cranberry muffins (12 points!!)  I am now totally obsessed with the stupid things!   Yes, my brain is a bit perverse! (I'm blaming Myron!)

Not ready to be defeated, I went to my ever faithful search engines and typed in:

diabetic friendly cranberry muffin recipe

Here are the results:  Bing = 2,830,000 results

                                Google =  42,300 results (Google obviously doesn't understand the urge for muffins!)

                                Dlife = 1437 results

                                Diabetic Living = Recipes (1809)

So, out of all of those results, I should be able to find something that I can have and will not account for 1/2 my daily amount of points!

Myron will not win this battle.  Cranberry muffins or death!!!

Wait, isn't that exactly the problem?  Too many Cranberry muffins equal . . . .

Okay, we are not thinking about that!  We are thinking about "acceptable" Cranberry muffins!

If anyone else has a recipe that will work, please post it for me!!!